Quarehawk

“We are ugly, us Irish men. I’m no oil painting but I know plenty of guys who aren’t even a sketch”

I went to this gig drunk, arriving just as the warm up guy came on. and he was pretty good, John Lynn. He’s an ex teacher who won the Bulmers Best Newcomer award. With a powerful commanding voice, resonating around the venue, he has tales of his old job and commentary on the much-mined field of “Male and female realtionships”. At this stage I’m impressed when I meet a comedian who doesn’t resort to this old content, but anyhoodle John Lynn does it well. His impressions of his girlfriend drunk are a riot. Seemingly he’s a seasoned warm-up man, kicking it off for Tommy Tiernan and Des Bishop as well. He does a bit of interacting with the audience - mainly picking on a singing teacher, whom he mocks for her posh job versus some of the rougher schools he’s worked in. Funny dude - I’d pay to see him as the headline.

So, on comes Colin Murphy. He’s got on a suit jacket and jeans, and a red shirt that coordinates perfectly with the red curtain background of the stage. Was that just a coincidence ? Probably.

“So how many people drove here tonight ? [PAUSE] …… with your L-PLATES HAHAHAHAHAHA !”

Well, we knew that one was coming. this being the day after Noel Dempsey’s announcement. So Murphy has a bit of a chat with some punters who are still learner drivers. “Why don’t you do your test?” he asks one guy, on his fourth provisional. “I’m happy enough with my tractor” comes the answer.

That statement doesn’t actually make a ton of sense, but ah … tractors, an Irish rural stereotype. This bring us to something important. A short guide I am offering here for free.

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The What To Say If You’re Picked On In An Irish Comedy Club Guide.

Remember that you don’t need to be funny, at least not in the conventional sense. Because humour is contextual. Everyone else in that crowd is on edge and relieved that it’s you being hit on and not them. They are on your side and willing you to come up with something good. And you only have to get through 3 seconds before the comic moves on to someone else.

To guarantee you answer will get a laugh at a comedy gig do one of the following ….

Option 1: Reference any Irish stereotype.
This is what our friend with his tractor above did. But he would have gone down just as much a storm if he’d said “Sure I only use the car to go to mass”, or “We don’t need licenses in the IRA”.

Are these ripostes actually funny? Certainly not. Will the comedy club audience piss their pants? Most assuredly.

Option 2: Name-check anyone or anything currently in the news.
- “I’m Bertie Aherne’s Chauffeur”
- “I was hoping to meet Steve Staunton at a zebra crossing”
- “I abandoned the car at the Red Cow Roundabout”.

- Is your girlfriend with you tonight ?
- She’s on a date with [FILL IN CURRENT PHILANDERING CELEBRITY]
- She’s been called up for the Ireland Manager job.

- Do you have any kids ?
- Eddie Hobbs advised against it.

Do any of those quips contain a modicum of wit? Doubtful. Will a roar go up around the venue and several punters double up upon hearing it and have to be carried out? Likely.

Option 3: Your get-out-of-jail card. Useful when all else fails. If you’ve got absolutely nothing and the spotlight is on you and you’re too drunk to think and sweat is breaking out on your palms, you still have one final ace up your sleeve : Geography. Mention a placename.
- “We don’t have cars in Limerick” (Cue a massive cheer from the Limerick contingent)

As stated, I’m not trying to claim that these pathetic rejoinders are funny. They’re a pretty long way from funny to be honest. I’m just telling you from experience that this kind of thing brings the house down. If the comedian isn’t Irish then your reference will be doubly funny, as the comic shoots a confused look towards the rest of the audience and they can laugh knowingly.

Finally: Whichever option you decide to go with from this list - ROAR IT OUT. Otherwise only your 2 mates will hear it and the comedian may not do you the favour of repeating it into the mic.

So that’s how you prepare for a gig. Listen to the news at some point that day and clock the names, and take a moment to remind yourself what part of the country you come from.

I suppose if you’re not a regular comedy-goer you don’t believe this, seeing these rubbish examples written down. You might suspect that people must be drunk morons to laugh, but there’s probably a bit more to it than that.

Consider this : Some time back I watched the a scene from the Dail where a politician was criticizing another’s policy and he said “Maybe the Minister would be better off joining Dick Cheney on his next duck hunt”. Now the issue at hand had nothing to do with ducks or hunting. And there had been no previous mention of Cheney. In other words there was absolutely no context for this “Joke”. If you tried the same in the pub you would be regarded by your peers as The World’s Greatest Dipshit. But this tragically unfunny man had stood up determined to shoe-horn in his devastating quip no matter what the context, and he left them rolling in the aisles. He absolutely slayed them! Red faced backbenchers gasped for breath, rocking back and forth in their seats and nudging one another knowingly.

So that’s the point: Humour is contextual. And the context of being a put-upon audience member grants you the leeway to get away with a joke that under normal circumstances would be unlikely to raise a laugh from an ecstasy-popping hysteria patient.

And if all else fails shout out “Galway” or “Limerick” at a comedy gig and you’ll be alright.

And then when you’ve had your moment, please shut up and don’t start getting too cocky. Because you’re not really that funny, and the rest of us have paid to see the professional.

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So anyway; Colin Murphy’s on stage at Vicar St, so give it up for the 15th Sexiest Man in Ireland according to some magazine poll he tells us about. Well alright that’s saying something Colin and it’s not saying much. He’s the 15th sexiest man who was in the public consciousness at the exact time of that survey, among the subset of the public that make up the readers of that magazine and take the time to vote in surveys.

So, he was probably up against Brian O’Driscoll, a few politicians and the cast of Fair City. I suppose 15th is a respectable number.

Speaking of sex, he has the obligatory nookie stories. His one was of being in a hotel room with paper thin walls listening to the couple next door. Then realizing there were only male voices. Hmm, faintly homophobic there Colin. He’s not a very physical comedian, but he does one good impression of a grimacing Irish guy having sex, which he keeps up just a minute too long grunting and puffing until it’s becoming a strain to watch, then apes turning to his partner with the comment “Oh sorry love, did I wake you ?”.

He crams a lot of stories into the set, but I notice avoids any references to his family. He’s the best at audience-interaction I’ve seen in a while, totally comfortable running with a comment from a punter and letting it lead him into a funny anecdote. Makes it all feel a bit more improvised and not over-rehearsed.

The quality of heckling is pretty good here tonight by the way. “What do you do back home in California?” he asks someone. “Firefighter !” Comes a shout from the other side of the room. Heh.

Colin Murphy displays exactly the same personality on stage as he does on The Panel. Thankfully the doesn’t spend all his time scribbling down notes though. And on Monday night’s panel had had on the same red shirt. Huh. Let’s see now, The Panel is taped on Sunday and this was Thursday night. Yeah okay, he had time to wash it.

Incidentally did I hear Neil Delamere say at the end of Monday’s Panel “and his last time with us, thanks to Colin Murphy” ? Pity. Hopefully that means he’s going to do something else on tv. Bring back The Blizzard of Odd!

It’s hard to imagine this guy being short of work. An intelligent and likeable comedian, no doubt some production company has snapped him up as a presenter. So you can assume he’ll be back soon enough with a bang. But not too much of a bang - since loud bangs scare him he says, because he’s from the north.